The Great Peace: A Memoir by Mena Suvari

Author:Mena Suvari [Suvari, Mena]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, Entertainment & Performing Arts, women, Personal Memoirs
ISBN: 9780306874529
Google: ICAKzgEACAAJ
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2021-07-27T00:24:07.765523+00:00

JAY

I got home early one day from appointments and packed a suitcase with the essentials I thought I needed to survive a week or two. I wasn’t thinking in any longer term. I wanted to make the break before Robert was home. I worked with my emotions in deep check, trying to avoid feeling attached or sentimental about all the things I was leaving behind, which was practically everything. This hurried dance was clearly ad-libbed but moved through the house toward a clean escape until I got my suitcase to the front door. Then Robert walked in.

He saw my suitcase and his face reflected the range of emotions one would expect. Hoping to avoid a messy confrontation that would likely result in me turning around and unpacking, I grabbed my suitcase, stated how I needed to leave, and walked to my car without turning around.

A flame ignited inside of me that refused to be ignored despite its unsettling influence. I was very aware that I was married, but I was also aware that I wasn’t happy. Although I couldn’t define happy, whatever it was, it wasn’t me. All I knew was that something was missing in my life. Not my life with Robert. My life. The life I carried around inside me.

I drove straight to Jay’s. I was relieved that I had left Robert before starting anything with Jay. At the same time, I was eager to embrace him as a free woman, sure that he was going to fill the empty spaces in me with all that I craved.

It would take me much longer to understand that I was going about my life all wrong. I needed to stop constantly racing toward finding something that I thought would fit perfectly, and instead learn I could bring all the love I needed into my own life without anyone else doing it for me.

At Jay’s, I literally ran inside to be with him, as if finishing the race away from my life. I hadn’t told anyone about this sudden change, including my therapist. I was still avoiding the deep issues that needed to be addressed. I was still too embarrassed to admit them, and I didn’t want to be judged. I was harsh enough on myself. I kept doing what I was good at, pushing forward, without seeing that I went from one extreme to the other. Either I was having an emotional breakdown and crying from the depths of my soul or I was locked away within a stone fortress that no one could penetrate. I had learned to survive by turning off my emotions, and so it was when I left Robert. I shut out his cries and his pleas and moved forward to the next thing.

As difficult as this was in the moment, I knew that I wouldn’t have been a good wife to Robert. Over time I would have grown more distant, perhaps cheated on him, or made him feel stifled and stuck. I was barely twenty-one when I married him, stoned, on a cliffside in Big Sur.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.